You know sometimes, and by sometimes I mean 90% of the time I feel like writing instead of drawing… I just get these thoughts. Not counting the times I feel like this anyway and not being poetic or shit.

Thinking I hate my life and myself for not being able to stand up for myself as my characters can do, even if they are pussies most of their life, too. And then I get angry with myself or idk and leave the lonely chapter or 6 lines of poetry alone for the rest of existence. And maybe that's why I don't write all these stories in my head and it's actually the thing I describe as "laziness" every goddamn day.

And I continue being kawaii and useless. Like now.

Wow girl you have a presentation about Martin Luther and how he affected German language in… 5 hours out of which 1 is useless to you because you will be traveling.

And I still don't give a fuck.

I hate this place.

I want to go back to high school and talk to my teachers and sing in the choir and draw during lessons. And maybe do some gardening and translating more Homestuck and practice my new hobby, sewing, so I can make pretty clothes and shit so people actually call me pretty in them.

Because fuck my life, the first time I've been directly called cute by someone whom I didn't know was when I was dressed as Jade a month ago. And you know, it's been bugging me ever since. Because I've lived for over 20 years and I got literally nothing like that one word. I know I'm not a beauty queen but I ain't ugly either, and that's what annoys me here. I'm vegetating on the praise I get for my drawings which is actually not a lot. About 5 pictures get the attention I wanted for them every year, but that's already a little different because I'm usually proud of my works and want them to be recognized, too. I'm trying to put my feelings on screen now and I see I've been slaloming a lot already.

And as it's already 9:57, I should end this because I know writing the not-conclusion will take those three minutes. Basically, instead of acting myself, which I don't dare because of the shitty self-confidence I earned as a kid during my stay with others, I'm waiting for a mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE. Someone to save me because I'm unable to do so myself. And I'll continue being like that, feeling shitty foreverafter.

Well, at least I got it out now. Maybe someone will read it, too. I guess.