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You know sometimes, and by sometimes I mean 90% of the time I feel like writing instead of drawing… I just get these thoughts. Not counting the times I feel like this anyway and not being poetic or shit.
Thinking I hate my life and myself for not being able to stand up for myself as my characters can do, even if they are pussies most of their life, too. And then I get angry with myself or idk and leave the lonely chapter or 6 lines of poetry alone for the rest of existence. And maybe that's why I don't write all these stories in my head and it's actually the thing I describe as "laziness" every goddamn day.
And I continue being kawaii and useless. Like now.
Wow girl you have a presentation about Martin Luther and how he affected German language in… 5 hours out of which 1 is useless to you because you will be traveling.
And I still don't give a fuck.
I hate this place.
I want to go back to high school and talk to my teachers and sing in the choir and draw during lessons. And maybe do some gardening and translating more Homestuck and practice my new hobby, sewing, so I can make pretty clothes and shit so people actually call me pretty in them.
Because fuck my life, the first time I've been directly called cute by someone whom I didn't know was when I was dressed as Jade a month ago. And you know, it's been bugging me ever since. Because I've lived for over 20 years and I got literally nothing like that one word. I know I'm not a beauty queen but I ain't ugly either, and that's what annoys me here. I'm vegetating on the praise I get for my drawings which is actually not a lot. About 5 pictures get the attention I wanted for them every year, but that's already a little different because I'm usually proud of my works and want them to be recognized, too. I'm trying to put my feelings on screen now and I see I've been slaloming a lot already.
And as it's already 9:57, I should end this because I know writing the not-conclusion will take those three minutes. Basically, instead of acting myself, which I don't dare because of the shitty self-confidence I earned as a kid during my stay with others, I'm waiting for a mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE. Someone to save me because I'm unable to do so myself. And I'll continue being like that, feeling shitty foreverafter.
Well, at least I got it out now. Maybe someone will read it, too. I guess.
Thinking I hate my life and myself for not being able to stand up for myself as my characters can do, even if they are pussies most of their life, too. And then I get angry with myself or idk and leave the lonely chapter or 6 lines of poetry alone for the rest of existence. And maybe that's why I don't write all these stories in my head and it's actually the thing I describe as "laziness" every goddamn day.
And I continue being kawaii and useless. Like now.
Wow girl you have a presentation about Martin Luther and how he affected German language in… 5 hours out of which 1 is useless to you because you will be traveling.
And I still don't give a fuck.
I hate this place.
I want to go back to high school and talk to my teachers and sing in the choir and draw during lessons. And maybe do some gardening and translating more Homestuck and practice my new hobby, sewing, so I can make pretty clothes and shit so people actually call me pretty in them.
Because fuck my life, the first time I've been directly called cute by someone whom I didn't know was when I was dressed as Jade a month ago. And you know, it's been bugging me ever since. Because I've lived for over 20 years and I got literally nothing like that one word. I know I'm not a beauty queen but I ain't ugly either, and that's what annoys me here. I'm vegetating on the praise I get for my drawings which is actually not a lot. About 5 pictures get the attention I wanted for them every year, but that's already a little different because I'm usually proud of my works and want them to be recognized, too. I'm trying to put my feelings on screen now and I see I've been slaloming a lot already.
And as it's already 9:57, I should end this because I know writing the not-conclusion will take those three minutes. Basically, instead of acting myself, which I don't dare because of the shitty self-confidence I earned as a kid during my stay with others, I'm waiting for a mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE. Someone to save me because I'm unable to do so myself. And I'll continue being like that, feeling shitty foreverafter.
Well, at least I got it out now. Maybe someone will read it, too. I guess.
Because previous one is like 3 years old,,,
So, some things, that are more obvious:
- I got into BnHA about a year and a half ago. It gud. I really like TodoDeku and BakuShima, though I haven't produced anything for latter ship. 95% of all characters are either my children or my husbands.
- As for Undertale, our relationship is closer to 2 years by now. This is a Chara-positive zone. I'm also Papyton trash.
Less obvious facts:
- I'm at uni again, and this time it's a success story! \o/ Really, though, I haven't had such good marks since elementary...
- I'm still working on my Homestuck translation into Hungarian. English-illiterate buttocks now have 3 acts to read
Quick newsflash
today I was participating on a qualification test for some shitty course and started drawing as I had 15 long-ass minutes to wait
and one of the girls my mom got into a discuassion with just looks at it and asks “aren’t you <irl name>?”
she was one class below me in elementary it turned out
guys
my drawing skills are more remarkable than me
I’m just a faceless puppeteer
the illuminati of my hometown
amazing
(Meanwhile I'm a jobless piece of shit as I've been kicked out of university in February and I've discovered Blue Exorcist -which has a neat cast that's still manageable and also dat plot twist- and I've kind
What if I put half-written fanfics online. /random
Just what if.
I never finish anything and would stop updating after 2 chapters or so. I have all these ideas for AUs and shit and hell, I have the thing in me to write things, but I'm just too damn lazy. Must be my world view, really- I don't like unnecessary babbling.
But if I only get a few chapters done... would it make any sense like that at all? Or is it the same as my manga: it doesn't matter as long as people enjoyed it as long it lasts/lasted? Maybe we need a new system where I write something and stop- and then give a few instructions how to continue and/or end the story and people would write multiple versions. It'd be kinda like
HAPPY EASTER HOLIDAYS ME HEARTIES.
Wow, it was high time I got rid of that last journal from my front page.
So, how is it going? I'm soooooooo busy right now it's not even funny. Even less funny is the fact that I'm still procrastinating, haha!
Basically, I'm fuck deep in homework and presentations and tests due after the break and I haven't done nor researched anything yet. Also, I've been sewing- I'll be god tier Jade for this year's Sakuracon! :D The pajama shirt looks rather fine regarding how I haven't touched needles and string all my life, heh. I might have found a new hobby. Hopefully there will be some nice photos. I don't have a hood, but I'll dress the same in fal
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I could have wrote this as far as that goes (except I never dressed as Jade )
Hang in there kiddo and I will too
Hang in there kiddo and I will too